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Θέμα: J o k e s

  1. #141
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    (Hardly seems worth it.)


    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

    (Now that's more like it !)


    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    (O.M.G.!)



    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

    (In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

    (I'm still not over the pig.)


    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

    (Don't try this at home, maybe at w ork)


    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

    (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


    T he catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Something I always wanted to know.)




    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)


    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

    (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
    &nbs p;

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.

    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    ( I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains

    (I know some people like that too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, t hey'll live a lot longer)


    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    (What about that pig??)



    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

    In other words, send it toeveryone !

    (and God love that pig!)

  2. #142
    Peri ΠΛΑΝΩΜΕΝΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη perifan_4_ever
    Εγγραφή
    29-04-2008
    Περιοχή
    Athens
    Μηνύματα
    233
    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfWF-s0lKAY"]YouTube - Dog Sniffs Butts[/ame]

  3. #143
    Peri ΧΑΡΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη kahty
    Εγγραφή
    09-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    632

    Ask for salary increase.

    Ask for salary increase.

    One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!





    Dear Bo$$

    In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.



    I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.



    Your$ $incerely,

    Norman $oh.

    .

    The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:




    Dear NOrman,

    I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.



    NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.



    I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.



    Yours truly,



    Manager

  4. #144
    Peri ΦΗΜΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη piscesau2000
    Εγγραφή
    07-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    sydney-australia
    Μηνύματα
    2.979
    Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

    8 - 15 lb. turkey
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing
    1 cup uncooked popcorn (any brand)
    Salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

    Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
    *~*Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.*~*

  5. #145
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
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    50
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    6.377
    Παράθεση Αρχικό μήνυμα απο piscesau2000 Εμφάνιση μηνυμάτων
    Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

    8 - 15 lb. turkey
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing
    1 cup uncooked popcorn (any brand)
    Salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

    Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

    .....now let me see.....who should I give this recipe to??

  6. #146
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    One
    day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds
    after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
    'What
    setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It
    depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
    He
    yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
    And
    they say blondes are dumb...

    ---------------------------------------------
    A
    couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman
    in the world.'


    The
    woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


    -----------------------------------------------

    'It's
    just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
    'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like
    this?'

    'Probably
    that I married you for your money,' she replied...


    -----------------------------------------------

    Q:
    What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
    man?

    A:
    A rumor


    ------- ---------------------------------------

    Dear
    Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
    for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
    AMEN


    ----------------------------------------------

    Q:
    Why do little boys whine?


    A:
    They are practicing to be men.

    ----------------------------------------------

    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
    calling your name?

    A:
    You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


    ----------------------------------------------

    Q:
    How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

    A:
    Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'


    ----------------------------------------------

  7. #147
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
    The girl said, 'NO!'....
    And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
    And went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
    Drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
    Farted whenever he wanted.

    THE END

  8. #148
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    Making a baby.


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
    father to start their family.

    On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
    goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
    'I've been expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
    Did you know babies are my specialty?'
    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
    have a seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
    Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
    couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
    if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
    seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
    Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
    to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
    pictures. This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
    mother was so difficult to work with.

    She was difficult? asked Mrs. Smith.

    Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
    the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.

    Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,uh...equipment?'

    It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

    'Tripod?'

    Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
    much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Smith……. fainted

  9. #149
    💢 🌙 💜 💢 Το avatar του χρήστη Phaedra
    Εγγραφή
    23-01-2006
    Περιοχή
    ..always somewhere..
    Μηνύματα
    6.676
    Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
    to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
    Hilarious....

  10. #150
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    UPS Airlines

    Just in case you need a laugh:
    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one...a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
    Engineers.&n bsp;

    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable
    Level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    (I love this one!):
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    *
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

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