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Θέμα: J o k e s

  1. #151
    Peri ΧΑΡΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη kahty
    Εγγραφή
    09-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    632

    Why spelling is important!!


  2. #152
    Peri ΧΑΡΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη kahty
    Εγγραφή
    09-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    632

    MAN & WIFE!!

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust..'

    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

    Expensive .. So, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify

    My age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and

    Come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly

    Silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

    She processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

    Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring

    At a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right

    After we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah ... She can order for herself."

    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy

    With what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,

    Fat and ugly I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started .....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead,

    She bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And then the fight started .....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not

    As much as the dress she wore yesterday.



    And then the fight started .....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3

    O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

    'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

    He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as

    Fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed

    at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started .....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

    the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a

    torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

    radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

    whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is

    out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started ....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed

    my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started ....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered..

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started ....

  3. #153
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

    The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front d oor with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

    Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

  4. #154
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    Students at a school were assigned to read 2 books ...........

    "Titanic"



    & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.





    One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

    His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

    Titanic:. ..... cost - $29.99
    Clinton : .. cost - $29.99

    Titanic: ........ Over 3 hours to read
    Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

    Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    Clinton : .... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

    Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
    Clinton : ... Bill is a bullshit artist.

    Titanic: ..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
    Clinton : .... Ditto for Bill.

    Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
    Clinton : .... Ditto for Monica.

    Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    Clinton : .... Let's not go there.

    Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
    Clinton : ..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

    Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
    Clinton : ....... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

    Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
    Clinton :. .... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

    Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    Clinton : ... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

  5. #155
    Peri ΠΛΑΝΩΜΕΝΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη perifan_4_ever
    Εγγραφή
    29-04-2008
    Περιοχή
    Athens
    Μηνύματα
    233
    Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning


    My Dear Wife,
    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
    54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
    value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
    you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

    My Dear Husband,
    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
    are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will beat the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
    Τελευταία επεξεργασία από το χρήστη perifan_4_ever : 08-02-09 στις 23:01

  6. #156
    Peri ΠΛΑΝΩΜΕΝΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη perifan_4_ever
    Εγγραφή
    29-04-2008
    Περιοχή
    Athens
    Μηνύματα
    233
    TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN:

    1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
    2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?




    1st woman: I froze to death.
    2nd woman: How horrible!




    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that m y husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.



    1st woman: So, what happened?



    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.



    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!


  7. #157
    Peri ΠΛΑΝΩΜΕΝΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη perifan_4_ever
    Εγγραφή
    29-04-2008
    Περιοχή
    Athens
    Μηνύματα
    233
    WHY COUPLES GET INTO FIGHTS...


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...
    .................................................. .................................................. ...................
    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    .................................................. .................................................. .......................

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....
    .................................................. .................................................. .....................

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap, that must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....
    .................................................. .................................................


    asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....


    .................................................. ................................


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...











  8. #158
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    Παράθεση Αρχικό μήνυμα απο perifan_4_ever Εμφάνιση μηνυμάτων
    WHY COUPLES GET INTO FIGHTS...


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...
    .................................................. .................................................. ...................
    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    .................................................. .................................................. .......................

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....
    .................................................. .................................................. .....................

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap, that must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....
    .................................................. .................................................


    asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....


    .................................................. ................................


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...











    sorry to have to tell you perifan, but kathy beat you to it.........look at the top of the page...she has the exact same jokes..

  9. #159
    Peri ΠΛΑΝΩΜΕΝΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη perifan_4_ever
    Εγγραφή
    29-04-2008
    Περιοχή
    Athens
    Μηνύματα
    233
    Παράθεση Αρχικό μήνυμα απο vivtory1 Εμφάνιση μηνυμάτων
    sorry to have to tell you perifan, but kathy beat you to it.........look at the top of the page...she has the exact same jokes..

    oh oops!!! I did not look at any previous jokes before I posted it. hehe funny! I guess it is a popular one!
    Τελευταία επεξεργασία από το χρήστη perifan_4_ever : 10-02-09 στις 15:28

  10. #160
    💢 🌙 💜 💢 Το avatar του χρήστη Phaedra
    Εγγραφή
    23-01-2006
    Περιοχή
    ..always somewhere..
    Μηνύματα
    6.676

    ..That was a joke by itself...



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