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Θέμα: J o k e s

  1. #31
    Peri ΦΗΜΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη piscesau2000
    Εγγραφή
    07-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    sydney-australia
    Μηνύματα
    2.979
    the loving husband



    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
    *~*Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.*~*

  2. #32
    Peri ΦΗΜΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη piscesau2000
    Εγγραφή
    07-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    sydney-australia
    Μηνύματα
    2.979
    Dog and cat diaries


    >
    > The dog's diary:
    >
    > 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
    > 8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    > 9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
    > Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
    > 2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
    > 3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
    > 4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
    > 6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
    > 7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
    > 8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    > 9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite
    > 11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
    >
    > The cat's diary:
    >
    > Day 183 of my captivity...
    > My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
    > objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
    > dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,

    > and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow

    > I may eat another house plant.
    >
    > Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
    > around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I

    > should try this at the top of the stairs.
    > In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
    > again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this

    > on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body
    > in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try
    > to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
    about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to
    plan.
    >
    > There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
    > in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear
    > the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my
    > confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called
    > "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
    advantage.
    >
    > I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
    > The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He
    > is obviously a half-wit.
    >
    > The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks
    > with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due
    > to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
    But I can wait.
    >
    > It's only a matter of time.
    >
    >
    >
    *~*Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.*~*

  3. #33
    Peri ΦΗΜΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη piscesau2000
    Εγγραφή
    07-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    sydney-australia
    Μηνύματα
    2.979
    It's a Wonderful Life
    >
    >
    >What A Wonderful Story
    >
    >There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
    >process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    >
    >One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with
    >no
    >actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
    >about.
    >
    >The letter read:
    >
    >"Dear God,
    >
    >I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
    >someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all ;the money
    >I
    >had until my next pension check.
    >
    >Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over
    >for
    >dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have
    >no
    >family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
    >
    >Can you please help me?
    >
    >Sincerely, Edna "
    >
    >
    >The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
    >workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
    >dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
    >they
    >put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
    >the
    >workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would
    >be
    >able to share with her friends.
    >
    >Christmas came and went.
    >
    >A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
    >All
    >the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
    >
    >It read,
    >
    >"Dear God,
    >
    >How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
    >your
    >gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We
    >had
    >a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    >
    >By the way, there was $4 missing.
    >
    >I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
    *~*Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.*~*

  4. #34
    Thea
    Perifriend
    PERI and AGAMEMNON were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle.
    AGAMEMNON stopped to help her and PERI continued on down the road. Soon after, AGAMEMNON came riding up on the bike and PERI asked him what had happened.
    "Well," said AGAMEMNON, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle."
    PERI said, "Well, AGAMEMNON, that was probably the right choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

  5. #35
    💢 🌙 💜 💢 Το avatar του χρήστη Phaedra
    Εγγραφή
    23-01-2006
    Περιοχή
    ..always somewhere..
    Μηνύματα
    6.676

    Talking One liners

    • Diapers & government
    Diapers and government need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
    • Miss Universe
    Congratulations to the new Miss Universe, Miss Puerto Rico.
    Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always from earth?
    • "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
    • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
    • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
    • Does killing time damage eternity?
    • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
    • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
    • Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
    • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    • 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
    • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
    • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
    • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
    • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
    • My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
    • I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

  6. #36
    Περι-πλανητικός Το avatar του χρήστη thodoris7
    Εγγραφή
    06-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    Αθήνα και Λαύριο
    Ηλικία
    42
    Μηνύματα
    5.077
    A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

    A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

    The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

    The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
    «Η ψυχή που μπορεί να μιλήσει με τα μάτια, μπορεί και να φιλήσει με το βλέμμα»
    Δεν με πειράζει να πηγαίνω για δουλειά αλλά αυτή η 8ώρη αναμονή για να πάω σπίτι με σκοτώνει .
    Mofeu Ανανεωμένο : http://www.mofeu.eu/forum/forum.php

    Είσαι στο μυαλό κάτι μαγικό :

  7. #37
    Peri ΧΑΡΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη kahty
    Εγγραφή
    09-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    632
    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    With a sneer on her face, she then sat down.

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,is she going to get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

    "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind; two, you didn't read your homework; and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

  8. #38
    Peri ΦΕΡΕΙΑΡΧΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη ΜΑΡΚΟΣ
    Εγγραφή
    04-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    ΣΤΑ ΧΑΡΑΚΩΜΑΤΑ.....
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    11.328
    Its old here in Greece.I know that in Hellinika omos.
    ΠΟΤΕ ΜΗΝ κάνεις στους άλλους ότι και οι άλλοι ΔΕΝ θα ήθελες να κάνουν σε σένα.....




    ΟΛΟΙ ΟΙ ΚΑΛΟΙ ΧΩΡΑΤΕ..........

    EΠΙΣΚΕΦΘΕΙΤΕ το νέο online μου κατάστημα
    http://www.apiastos.gr

  9. #39
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    Subject: The cat in the house!!

    A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
    evening. They turned on a night light, turned the
    answering machine on the phone line, covered their
    pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
    They phoned the local cab company and requested a
    taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front
    door to leave their house.

    The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back
    into the house.

    They don't want the cat shut in the house because
    "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out
    to the taxi while the husband goes inside to
    get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot
    pursuit.

    The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
    will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that
    her husband will be out soon. "He's just going
    upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the taxi.
    "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

    "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
    her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I
    had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
    scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
    downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


    The taxi driver hit a parked car...

  10. #40
    Συντονίστρια Το avatar του χρήστη vivtory1
    Εγγραφή
    20-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    N.Y
    Ηλικία
    50
    Μηνύματα
    6.377
    A businessman sends his wife a fax :

    "To my dear wife :
    You will surely understand that I have certain needs
    that you with your 54 years can no longer satisfy. I
    am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.
    therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not
    wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
    evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort
    Inn Hotel.

    Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before
    midnight."

    When the man came home, he found the following letter
    on the dining-room table :

    "My dear husband :
    I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.
    I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
    that you are also 54 years old.

    At the same time I would like to inform you that while
    you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with
    Michel, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is
    also 18 years old.

    As a successful businessman and with your excellent
    knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in
    the same situation ... although with one small
    difference :

    18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18 .... and
    therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow !

    A big kiss from your wife, who really understands
    you ..."

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