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Θέμα: J o k e s

  1. #61

  2. #62
    Peri ΧΑΡΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη kahty
    Εγγραφή
    09-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    632

    MEN'S ENGLISH.

    "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

    “ I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

    “ I'm tired." = I'm tired.

    “ Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

    “ Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

    “ Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

    “ May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

    “ Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

    “ You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

    “ What's wrong?" = what meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
    you going through now?

    “ What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

    “ I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

    “ I love you." = Let's have sex now.

    “ I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

    “ Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

    “ Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much
    different!

    “ Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
    deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

    “ Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
    other guys.

    And FINALLY... (While shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY
    dress and let's go home!

  3. #63
    Peri ΧΑΡΗΣ Το avatar του χρήστη kahty
    Εγγραφή
    09-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    632

    Women's English

    Yes = No
    No = Yes
    Maybe = No
    I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
    We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be
    obvious by now.
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
    We need to talk = I need to complain.
    Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
    I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a
    lot.
    You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
    think about?
    Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
    thighs.
    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
    and wallpaper.....
    Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
    expensive.
    How much do you love me? = I did something you're
    really not going to like.
    I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
    find a good game on TV.
    Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
    You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with
    me.
    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
    Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed
    and walk him until he falls asleep.
    I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think
    this is important.
    The same old thing = Nothing
    Nothing = Everything
    Everything = My PMS is acting up.
    Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

  4. #64
    Περι-πλανητικός Το avatar του χρήστη thodoris7
    Εγγραφή
    06-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    Αθήνα και Λαύριο
    Ηλικία
    42
    Μηνύματα
    5.077
    FRED & MARY

    Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so
    they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
    In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he
    asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
    She replies, "No".
    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
    His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
    Just go to school."

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
    "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
    She replies, "No."
    Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
    His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
    Eat your lunch and go back to school."

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
    "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No."
    He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Ok,
    now tell me what you think"

    He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
    and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
    «Η ψυχή που μπορεί να μιλήσει με τα μάτια, μπορεί και να φιλήσει με το βλέμμα»
    Δεν με πειράζει να πηγαίνω για δουλειά αλλά αυτή η 8ώρη αναμονή για να πάω σπίτι με σκοτώνει .
    Mofeu Ανανεωμένο : http://www.mofeu.eu/forum/forum.php

    Είσαι στο μυαλό κάτι μαγικό :

  5. #65
    Περι-πλανητικός Το avatar του χρήστη thodoris7
    Εγγραφή
    06-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    Αθήνα και Λαύριο
    Ηλικία
    42
    Μηνύματα
    5.077
    The maid asked for a raise.
    The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria,
    why do you want an increase?"
    Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
    The first is that I iron better than you."
    Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria:
    "The Master said so."
    Madam: "Oh."
    Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
    Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
    Maria: "The Master did."
    Madam: "Oh."
    Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
    Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
    Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
    «Η ψυχή που μπορεί να μιλήσει με τα μάτια, μπορεί και να φιλήσει με το βλέμμα»
    Δεν με πειράζει να πηγαίνω για δουλειά αλλά αυτή η 8ώρη αναμονή για να πάω σπίτι με σκοτώνει .
    Mofeu Ανανεωμένο : http://www.mofeu.eu/forum/forum.php

    Είσαι στο μυαλό κάτι μαγικό :

  6. #66
    Μιζαδόρος Το avatar του χρήστη boubouka
    Εγγραφή
    06-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    6.438
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wordO8gxkIk


    Κωστάκηηηηη, και σεις τέτοια κάνετε για να περνάτε την ώρα σας?

  7. #67
    Peri ΦΗΜΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη piscesau2000
    Εγγραφή
    07-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    sydney-australia
    Μηνύματα
    2.979
    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    Keep reading-they get better!!!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
    to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
    and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    WORDS
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
    The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
    at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
    when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
    The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
    *~*Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.*~*

  8. #68
    Μιζαδόρος Το avatar του χρήστη boubouka
    Εγγραφή
    06-12-2005
    Μηνύματα
    6.438
    Hilarious Patty, and so true.

  9. #69
    💢 🌙 💜 💢 Το avatar του χρήστη Phaedra
    Εγγραφή
    23-01-2006
    Περιοχή
    ..always somewhere..
    Μηνύματα
    6.676
    "HEBREWS" ...


    .. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece...


  10. #70
    Peri ΦΗΜΟΣ Το avatar του χρήστη piscesau2000
    Εγγραφή
    07-12-2005
    Περιοχή
    sydney-australia
    Μηνύματα
    2.979
    1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they be called Fed-UP?

    2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

    4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
    Holland called Holes?

    5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
    terrible?

    8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

    9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

    10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have
    parking lots?


    12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Humans ???


    lol !!!!!!!!!!!
    *~*Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.*~*

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